fuck you god in heaven.
whatever, send me to burn in hell.
i don't care anymore
because i don't see the difference between what i am experiencing now and the burning fires of hell.
seriously? this is living hell. thank you god in heaven.
oh-so-mighty and powerful god in heaven.
here's what you shouldn't do.
give the guy the love of his life
make him happy and all
then just take it all away like that.
things happen for a reason? fuck all of that.
seriously, just screw all of that.
it's really not helping, all the god-damned philosophical thought.
everything happens for a reason? i'd rather not have that reason and this not happened at all and we could go back to what we were once before.
before fucking assesment week. because after assesment week everything just went down the drain just like that.
i'm sorry, it's my fault.
seriously, it's my fault.
i deserve to die, i do.
i really don't want to wake up tomorrow morning
not to face another day alone.
i've got my friends
but i don't have the rest of the world.
i don't have you.
and without my world, how can i carry on?
live in a world of my own? perhaps.
i'd really love to throw my stuff all over my room,
rip out all of my hair
tear up everything i see
kill myself with a chainsaw
whatever
just don't force me to experience this kind of pain
i'd choose physical pain over emotional pain anytime
and you know this.
so, dear god in heaven.
whats your plan for me?
plan smart, please.
am i the devil's boy? i really don't know.
i don't care about anything anymore.
the only thing i've ever really cared about? it's just been taken away from me.
maybe not 'it', but 'she'.
yeah, i know. this is really horrific. i never thought i'd be thinking this way one day. i really never thought i would.
why can't we go back, back to where it lasted?
back then when we didn't care what other people thought?
back then when we could conquer every problem that came our way?
when we had that bond so strong, so strong that nothing could break it?
right now, the only person who could stop me from crying is the person who made me cry.
cliche, but true.
it hurts like hell.
it hurts like fucking hell.
damn.
damn.
damn.
i really couldn't care less about anything in this god-damned world anymore.
not when there's nothing left but empty scraps here and there.
everything is coming down on me
crashing down on me now.
why? stupid question.
as complicated as things may be,
i know things can never be the way they were.
but why not better?
i really don't see how we cannot rebuild what we once had.
i know, rome wasn't built in a day. it'll take time, but why won't you give that time?
i would, but it takes two to clap.
we can work together. but why wouldn't you let us?
give it one LAST shot.
one LAST shot.
one last stretch.
can't we conquer this problem like we have for all the previous ones?
i have this burn in my chest right now.
this burning desire
to just give everything up
let go of everything
let life dwindle away
let every last drop of blood drip out of my veins.
it's tempting. really. i don't know what to do. i'm lost i'm confused and i'm definitely not in the right state of mind.
i need the help, but at the same time nobody can help me.
there is nothing anyone can do to help me.
anyone, but you.
this really sucks. this really sucks.
another sleepless night, with many more to come.
this really feels like a nightmare and i really really want to wake up from it now.
i'm trying to tell myself that this is a really bad dream
but i can't. i know it's not a dream. i know this is reality.
fuck reality.
dreams don't come true, they never did.
because even if they did, they'd just fade away into oblivion.
i will never believe in dreams anymore.
fuck dreams.
you know you're in trouble when every dream becomes a nightmare.
why can't you bring yourself to do it again?
like before?
you say so much has happened.
but what happened in the past one year...all of that doesn't matter to you? so much has happened. but so much MORE has happened within the past one year that i really cannot let go just like that.
it's really painful. it really hurts, and i don't know how long more i could go.
steam engines do run out of steam.
my heart could beat out of my chest right now.
ask me why i'm shaking? i'm always shaking because i fear. i'm scared.
i'm scared, i'm really scared.